Where Am I Now?
It has always amazed me how quickly I can get caught up in negative thoughts. A current incident that triggers feelings I can remember as a child, uneasy feelings which vibrate throughout my body and has my mind running scared. Sometimes I am able to walk myself to safety and others times, those emotional events, from so long ago, have that little girl within, cowering in a corner waiting for the sun to shine again and take away the darkness that is surrounding her. Feelings she had attempted to bury deep within but on certain days can’t help but rise to the surface of her very being.
Last week I had two scenarios play out within an hour of each other with each causing my stomach to churn and my mind to remember events from my past. I immediately started telling myself that I hadn’t done anything wrong. Thankfully the self-love talk helped and I was able to carry on with my day. It always amazes me how quickly feelings and memories from the past come rushing back when a similar situations occur in now moments.
Throughout my life I have lived through many things, some, others know about and some, no one knows about. What pains me are the triggers, the outer world doing or saying something and me wanting to run, hide or scream at others and tell them not to take their issues out on me. As women, we tend to take on a lot. I know my shoulders have felt the weight of many things over my life time and there are days, I get tired and don’t want to deal anymore and truly wish the past would stay where it needs to be, in the past, leaving me alone to live the life I want to.
The many books and audios I have listened to have helped me to realize that I don’t need to continue on the same roller coaster ride whereby new situations create the same old triggers. I have a choice to change the experience by observing it verses feeling it. I need to recognize that the past is gone and if I don’t change, than the old feelings will continue to have a hold on me. At this point, in my life, I want happiness so I can continue to pursue what I want to do and what I love to do. Not much to ask for, but a problem when my past comes flooding back like a raging river in spring thaw and the past sweeps me away once again.
I was pleased that I was able to work through the two scenarios, knowing I had done nothing wrong and that being kind was the most precious gift I could give myself, because beating myself up has never proved helpful. Being kind also prevented me from spending the next few days rehashing the situations. I can honestly admit I have wasted too many hours in the past and ended up even more stressed out or hurt than what I experienced in the actual moment. Ah what a tangled mess of wires when that happens.
What is interesting about all of this is what I did this week when I was going to Guelph to visit my mother and take care of some business. Each time my mind started to wonder to any type of confrontation in my mind or unhappy thoughts, I started to say to myself, ‘where am I now’. This phrase came to me out of the blue. Perhaps it is in part to having listened to one of Wayne Dyer’s audios over and over where he talks about this ‘now’ moment. I knew that instead of going into the past or projecting a negative event in the future, ones I don’t want fulfilled, I needed to get back to now.
I am learning to appreciate that how others react to me, in most cases, has absolutely nothing to do with me. In most cases it is all about them and events going on in their own life that has them reaching out to others in a negative or non-loving way. Unfortunately my past has left me taking it personally.
What I appreciated about last week’s events and yesterday was how I managed to go from thinking I had done something wrong to showing myself self-love. Something that has never come easy from me. By saying out loud, ‘where am I now’, I was able to shut down the negative thoughts that serve no purpose. It truly brought me back to the present. I became more focused on my driving and the beauty of the landscape surrounding me as I drove to Guelph.
One of the books I am reading right now speaks about how our brains and bodies work together and how you can change the connection in order to bring more joy and happiness into our lives. And as much as it gets somewhat scientific at times (and I don’t like science), I appreciate that there are ways to recondition yourself to let go of those past memories and focus on a more positive future vision.
I have spent a lot of time in the wrong emotional arena, when all I want to be, is who I am truly meant to be, without concerning myself with what others think and letting go of the painful memories of yesteryear, because I can’t change any of it. I made my choices. I moved forward and for the most part repeated every process over and over, never letting go of the pain and thinking tomorrow would be different and it hasn’t been. So when I find ways of being in the now, I get excited because it means, I am not listening to those chattering voices that only bring sadness my way. You know the ones?
Many have said to be happy you have to look within because what we think will make us happy in our outer world, well speaking for myself, hasn’t worked. I am about to embark on another journey of self-discovery. Will it be my last, perhaps and perhaps not but this time, I am journeying within to look at the past from an observing and loving point of view in order to tame the emotions that have been running my life for far too long. This time, I will sit down in front of the movie screen and observe, appreciate that I did the best with what I knew at the time, forgive myself for not loving myself more, accept responsibility for those times that I need to and then imagine my world the way I want it to be. Some may think this is impossible but the science is proving it isn’t and that we can rewire our mind and body to be more kind and loving to ourselves and have what we want when we leave the past where in order to rewire ourselves for a more positive future.
So next time you find yourself hurting because you are replaying events that are no longer here or forecasting an unhealthy scenario in the future, perhaps my words will help to keep you focused on now because now is all you have and I know for me, I want to make my now as joyful as possible.
